Apocalyptic Cookies.

So I decided I want to make cookies. I found THIS recipe.

And then decided to write down the steps as it happened to me.

For those who don’t feel like going to the link…

Directions

  1. In a medium bowl, cream together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Combine flour, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon; stir into the creamed mixture. Mix in oats. Cover, and chill dough for at least one hour.
  2. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Grease cookie sheets. Roll the dough into walnut sized balls, and place 2 inches apart on cookie sheets. Flatten each cookie with a large fork dipped in sugar.
  3. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes in preheated oven. Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

First of all, I had to look up what creaming, baking, was, because otherwise I would have probably just mixed everything with a knife and/or fork and a big spoon.

(And Creaming, Baking, because creaming on its own seemed like it would have a 50/50 chance of showing something sexual. Just saying.)

But this is what I’ve posted to FB as it happened for me.

(Time stamps are approximate as I’m copy-pasting as I go, and typing in the times, so they’re changing as the time is. )

Steps to making cookies:
Step 1: Find recipe.
Step 2: Realize that recipe calls for 1 cup soft butter…
Step 3: Realize that you want to make cookies now, so stick butter under computer to ‘soften’
Step 4: When mixing butter realize that time spent under computer isn’t enough.
Step 5: Shrug and carry on
Step 6: Wen adding sugar, realize that you really should’ve let butter soften
Step 7: Frown, and carry on.
Stay tuned for more steps. 

(About an hour ago)

Steps to making cookies, 2:
Step 8: “Mix in each egg, and then stir in vanilla…” Realize that you have no clue where vanilla is
Step 9: Find Vanilla. Found.
Step 10: Pause to feed dog lunch. Remember to wash kibble dust from hands.
Step 11: Feel that doing one, then the other egg, and then vanilla is too many steps. Mix all eggs and vanilla together.
Step 12: Wonder if there’s significant difference in mixing and stirring.
Step 13: Shrug, and carry on. Ignore previous result in ignoring recipe details.
Step 14: Remember result of ignoring recipe details. Realize that sugary, eggy, vanilla-y butter is now soft. ish. Remember not to ignore details again.

(About an hour ago)

Cookies. pt3
Step 15: Where the hell is flour?
Step 16: Baking soda… Baking soda….
Step 17: Nearly put dry ingredients in same bowl that held eg and vanilla
Step 18: Reassure dog that you aren’t abandoning him in quest for Not-Baking-Powder-of-How-Did-I-Not-Notice-it-said-‘Soda’ and thank the cookie gods that you didn’t already mix it all in
Step 19: Wash out eggy vanilla bowl and wonder at bubbles.
Step 20: No seriously where the hell is baking powder.

(57 minutes ago)

Cookies 4
Step 21: Get distracted from quest with sudden insight on how to make oatmeal cookies better.
Step 22: Start simmering raisins in apricot brandy. Don’t eat them.
Step 23: Continue Quest.
Step 24: Resist brandy-raisins.
Step 25: Resist.

(55 minutes ago)

Cookies 5
Part 26: “Poudre a Pate” wtf why didn’t I notice it and why didn’t just TURN IT AROUND TO ENGLISH SIDE???
Part 27: Calm down and mark quest down as finished.
Part 28: Quest finished.
Part 29: Resist brandy. And Brandy Raisins.
Part 30: Wonder again at the difference between various sorts of baking terminology… mix and combine…

(52 minutes ago)

Part 30.5: Swear at vanilla-y tsp measure and wash it out. (comments)

(52 minutes ago)

Cookies of 6th level of hell
Step 31: Wonder at how this is staying liquid with the only wet ingredients being (not soft) butter, eggs, and vanilla.
Step 32: Give comfort to clingy dog who has been groaning at you for the past 5 minutes for not paying attention to him.
Step 33: Wash hands. Again.
Step 34: Cookies. Remember cookies.
Step 35: Look ahead in recipe and be disbelieving that you have to let chill for an hour before cooking.
Step 36: Swear at computer.
Step 37: Look sad at Sister. Who can think of making dumplings at a time like this?
Step 38: Realize you still have to add 3 cups of oats to the mix, and don’t forget about raisins, and choc chips (BECAUSE!), and recipe still doesn’t call for any other liquid to be added wtf recipe.

(32 minutes ago)

Step 39: Avoid being skewered by knife wielded by well-meaning sibling.

(30 minutes ago) (NOTE: She was emptying the dish washer)

Apocalyptic cookies 7ish
Step 40: Mix in the oatmeal and don’t believe recipe on no more wet ingredients
Step 41: be disbelieving at how everything got mixed.
Step 42: Wince and add brandy raisins and choc chips and mix
Step 43: Be even more disbelieving that even that, that stuff not in the recipe, works…
Step 44: Add pic to fb to be like “Cookie dough, bitches”…

(20 minutes ago)

40.5: Use knife to mix everything, and don’t ignore the death knell of mixer next time. (comments)

(21 minutes ago)

Step 45: Cookie Dough, Bitches!

All mixed up and eveything

All mixed up and eveything

(20 minutes ago)

Step 46: Be sad that now you must cover it in cellophane wrap and cram it into the fridge for an hour.
Au revoire Cookie Dough.

And now I’m waiting.

Woo.

Will probably have more adventures in rolling and whatever the cookies, but for now this is what I have 🙂

And before I forget, brandy-ing raisins is freaking delicious, and this is how I did it:

WARNING: Very imprecise, if you want to know EXACTLY how to do it you will have to go somewhere else because really, you’re simmering raisins in Brandy here. Just don’t set your house on fire.

1. Get pot

2. Get raisins and brandy (I used apricot Brandy, but you can use whatever… or rum. Rum s good. Brandy is sweeter though.)

3. Put splash of brandy in pot .You’re looking for it to be absorbed by raisins. Use your judgement. It’s not a precise science)

4. put heat on low. Very low. You are cooking alcohol here. VERY LOW.

5. Add raisins. If you added too much brandy, feel free to add more raisins.  I just kept adding them as the raisins already in it plumped up.

6. Keep on low heat, stirring occasionally, but ultimately you can leave it on its own. Turn down heat even further if it starts bubbling.

7. You basically want most f the brandy gone, and for the raisins to be soft. Use your judgement. But then you’re done!

I used golden raisins, but you can use whatever you want, really… I made about two handfuls of raisins to add to my dough (huzzah for precision!) which turned into something like a cup of brandy raisins. Just added them all to the dough, and added two handfuls of chocolate chips and mixed.

blurry pic of deliciousness

blurry pic of deliciousness

Your end result of raisins should be sticky like they’re covered in syrup, they should be soft and squishy, and taste testing should make you happy. I know what you’re thinking here…

I know.

I *am* a culinary genius.

Side Note: do this with more brandy to the brandy:raisins ratio, and add apples, a pinch of pepper, and some apple juice, and you have an amazing savoury-sweet side dish. Apple compote is delicious.

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