Sometimes You Need a Break. Dealing with Stress.

Slightly more serious post than my other ones, but this one is something I think a good number of students (at least university/college students) may find important.

I am going to get this out of the way and say I don’t do stress well.

Or rather, I stress well, I don’t DEAL with stress well. Here’s how I think of my stress dealings:

I bottle it up, store it away since its so unpleasant to deal with. Later, when I once again get stressed, I bottle that up too, even as the aftershocks of the feeling shake up the last bottle of stress.

Unlike real life, the tremors of stress stay with me, though I ignore it, and so it slowly shakes the second, and eventually third, fourth, fifth bottles up as well, building up pressure that I also ignore (as I am so very good at it) until the bottles I use start having trouble containing it.

I feel like, at least right now, the bottles I use are plastic. Later, if I keep doing this, the bottles may be made of glass. I don’t know.

When, eventually, the bottles fizz and explode so that I have stress colouring everything, making everything sticky and gross and makes me feel like doing nothing else but clean up and throw away the stress, I do so. It is, after all, hard to focus on anything else when you have sticky, gross stress all over you.

I ignore everything else, I have trouble concentrating, I have this overwhelming urge to do nothing, to go do something else that will make me feel better, like maybe watch comedy skits, or watch shows I know I like and episodes I know are funny, or read something totally random, or something else entirely.

I’ve been working on this example and been trying to self-analyze in a realistic, objective way, and I know that I need to work on a better way of dealing with stress than bottling it up and storing it away.

The reason I say I believe my bottles to be plastic right now, is because when the bottles explode from stress overload, broken plastic doesn’t hurt or cut nearly as deeply as glass.

Wow, that sounded a bit dark, huh?

I’m just trying to say that this tendency of mine to put away stress could develop into a worse problem, or could cause me to ignore something important because it happens to be stressful.

To help counteract that, I’m doing a number of things.

I don’t quite bend over backwards to do it, but close enough

I’m trying to schedule myself better (made a schedule for the week, having classes, study times, break times, etc…). Hopefully by having something steady and schedule like in my life, I’ll have something to hold ono.

Yoga, once a week. Similar to the schedule, by having yoga, it’s consistent and, unlike the schedule, something physical. If I need to do something more exerting, I can get onto one of the exercise machines and go on for an hour.

Phone conversation with Mom at least once a week. I am used to having a support system on hand. I don’t like talking about stress to friends, because I don’t like making my friends

My family has more personality than this and my three roommates combined

feel uncomfortable. It isn’t like I’m going to be able to talk to my roommates after all. I hardly ever see them, and even if I did, I don’t particularly like them. As such, my support system is my family. I need to be able to talk with them. So I’m making sure that at least once a week, there will be a conversation. To just talk. About nothing in particular. About things happening at home, things happening in Ottawa, allowing Mom to complain about her school while I can talk about how wonderful it is to be skating. I think it’s helping. No guarantee though. Midterms are stressful.

Writing. I know it isn’t the best thing, but writing here, on a blog, is almost surprisingly stress-releasing. Even if I don’t talk about stress. To be able to put my thoughts out to an invisible crowd, it’s nice. I also still write fiction for my own, and fanfiction because I enjoy getting reviews. It helps that most reviews are positive and are very encouraging and you can’t feel useless when you get an enthusiastic review for one of your ideas. Hell, I have a number of people who review regularly for my story ‘It’s Green‘ (Harry Potter Fanfiction and yes I linked to my own story) and I can go on for endless replies in conversation with these people who I only know because they like something I’ve written enough to contact me. How awesome is that?

By the way, Mom doesn’t like that I write fanfiction, but it’s a stress reliever for me. I enjoy writing. I didn’t do NaNoWriMo this year because I promised I wouldn’t, but writing is one of my hobbies. I’m not giving it up. I’m glad my Mom understands that. Or at least I believe she does.

Aaah, stress, you give me such issues!

Boy do I need to work on this, and I believe that this IS helping, but i’s hard to be objective in things such as these. I’ve been thinking on this for so long that I could be imagining everything, and I’m sure that some invisible person out there reading this is thinking I am imagining everything, or explaining it unrealistically, or SOMETHING, but this is as close to the ‘truth’ of the matter as I can get to.

It’s very hard being objective when dealing with yourself.

I think that’s one reason why self-portraits are so hard to do. You try to make it better because you’re vain (don’t try to deny it) and want to look pretty.

Or cool, if you aren’t quite ready to admit that you think you’re pretty.

But, as I said before, I don’t do (dealing with) stress well.

But, because I’ve been able to recognize it well enough… I am also going to recognize that I need a break.

Not a full one, more like slowing down to a jog from a sprint, but a break none the less.

Next semester, my hesitant plan is to take a break from school, move back to Toronto, and (with the permission of uOttawa) take a course while in Toronto so that I’m not totally removed from doing class work.

It will be one semester, and a break from full-time class. This will be me working to get used to stress of university, while having my support system with me.

I don’t know if I would have done better having taken the first year off, but this is what I’m doing now.

I wish I had  my own time machine, to go back to the beginning of the school year, maybe then I could have done a better job, but since I don’t, I’m giving myself a chance to breathe.

 

I Miss My Dog

Because he is my dog. MINE.

Lexy may have first claim over him, because, you know, she bought him, she pays for his food, she goes on most walks with him (MORNING walks, even when it’s crap out)… all that stuff matters not.

Because he is also MY dog.

I miss him.

Of course I miss my family too, but there is something about the family animal that sort of sticks with you.

I want to crouch down and have him sit down between my knees for a cuddle.

Or, possibly, walk up to me and turn around in his ever so classy “Here is my bum” with implied “Scratch it” pose.

I want to see him do an all around stretch, starting with downward facing dog and moving on to cobra before finishing with a funny face and a shake. If this shake produces little fluffs of fur in the air, that is fine.


Hugs from my family are awesome, but giving a hug to my dog is an overall fluffier experience.

Recently, as broadcasted by my sister HERE, it was my birthday 😀

Very exciting, yes, and one of my friends gave me a particular gift.

She gave me a stuffed dog…

This looks nothing like my dog, so that’s not the point of this, but I have been very stressed lately, and it is the kind of stuffed animal that has been stuffed to fair solidness, and so it is a wonderful stress-hug-thing to hug, because it doesn’t feel like hugging a towel.

I do like squishy stuffed animals, by the way, but when you need a hug and you need it to feel solid…

Well.

I just really miss having Gwynn around.

Currently the only thing that’s living with me (roommates don’t count, it’s more like they’re living next to me) is my aloe plant, something I begged off of family because I needed SOMETHING around.

It’s grown some since I got it.

I think I should name it as well...

But because I’m happy that I’m able to get some stress off by squeezing the air from the stuffing of my dog (currently nameless, but a boy for his manly image), I’m going to post some pictures.

Manly pattern means manly dog... And his eyes and nose are so soft!

If you have a name suggestion for my dear, manly pooch, I’d love to hear it!

I love my new poochie, but I still Miss Gwynn

Thank you!

P.S. Lexy, please send me family and dog pictures. I see you in a week or so, but I would like them regardless.

I miss you all! Give puppy a rub down for me!

Christmas Break is coming, so here’s Zombies!

It totally makes sense.

Break is coming up, therefore exams are here right now, and going by that logic, I don’t have any brains due to an influx of Zombies.

It makes sense.

It also makes sense that I watch YouTube when my mind is begging for no more brain eating.

So I watch Tobuscus.

He mentioned a song called ‘Re: Your Brains’ way back in one of his earlier videos.

So I check it out.

You should too. It’s funny as hell.


Tobuscus mentions this song because he writes from the other side… he titles it ‘re: re: Your Brains’


It’s amusing as hell, and reminds me of Lexy’s problem with crazypants at work.

She has mentioned to me a number of times that she worries that at some point crazypants will snap and come to work carrying a machete, and somehow that weapon translated to shotgun in my mind (another likely weapon for crazypants) which brought me to Zombies, which brought me back to the fact that I’m going to have to study more in a little bit.

I’m tired.

Parents, don’t bug your kids to study if they’re in university.

If you’re going to call them, call them to talk. just talk.

Not about studying.

Mom, if you read this,please take it to heart to not continuously bring it up.

Tonight, I’m going to talk to you about Christmas trees, funny things that I’ve seen, and the possibility of making a batch of cookies later today or tomorrow.

Braaaaiiins…

Also, here’s another funny video from Tobuscus, about how he finds a hamster loose in his home… he doesn’t have a hamster…

It made me laugh, and helped fend off the Zombie horde.

I’m Just Too Advanced, so I Died 5x

A new concept in school for me is the idea of ‘Virtual Campus’.

I heard about this, and was like “Okay, I’m not using this then….” because while I go on the computer regularly, I still have major issues with things that later, when I complain about it to friends/family, they’re like “Umm… seriously?”

My worst fear is clicking on something that LOOKS harmless, and getting the Blue Screen of Death as a response

It’s amazing that I managed to figure out iMovie enough for class, let alone use it to subtitle my complain video about my hairy roommate…

So one of my teachers said that yeah, he’ll be using it, and he’ll put up the slides on this Virtual Campus thingy, but made it all sound enough of a meh kind of thing that I was like “Okay, so I don’t have to use this to pass.”

This was on Wednesday, and my first class with this guy.

On Monday, I got a bit of a shock when I was informed by another teacher that all assignments would be… assigned on the virtual campus.

Egads!

And then she goes on to kill me.

All tests will be performed on the VC as well!

Death.

I was that dead girl at the back of the class. Third row, to the right.

I somehow managed to revive myself enough to hear her continue to explain how that would work.

The Tests had no time limits, and she said that she expects us to use our textbooks for it, and I was revived a bit more. Then she killed me again.

As soon as the test is closed, even if you haven’t clicked the button that says “Submit”, it will be handed in… oh by the way, the program seems to be having some problems and occasionally quits.

Quits?

Death.

So I’m required to use this Virtual Campus in order to pass… Great. And it may hand in my tests only part-way finished… Great.

I also have to figure out how to get ONTO this stupid thing, and I will likely die again before I finish. But… I could also get all of the lecture notes, at least for one of my classes, and not have too go to class!?! BRILLIANT! (Lexy, don’t call in the dogs, both you and I know that though I think I could do the class without going to class, I can’t, and won’t)…

Hermit Hobo Me: You mean... I could NOT go to class and still get your notes...? All I have to do is go onto this horribly complicated site? Why do you raise my hopes so? (also, L is AWESOME! From Death Note)

Thankfully All I have to do to get to the site is Google “UOttawa Virtual Campus”, and it’s my usual Ottawa Username and password to get in (as it is for all students, if you don’t know your student number by now you have already failed, and haven’t been able to hand in any tests, assignments…Fail.), and I noticed when I clicked a link to my class that I had an assignment up. Fun. So I clicked it, as it didn’t have a time limit other than it had to be handed in by the next week.5, and waited as it brought up a blank page.

It wouldn’t open.

Death.

Next class my teacher said that it seems as though people who have a more advanced computer (as I do, and I love my Macbook Pro) may not be able to open anything on the VC.

Bugger.

I figured out that I can hand things IN, I just can’t open the assignment description… I also can open and hand in the tests, which is wonderful as I don’t want to have to go to the library every time I need to finish a test.

Also, now all of the tests are open, so I could, conceivably, finish all of my tests and then finish the assignments as they come, but really, I may do a couple of tests every other week if I’m feeling ambitious, but the test I just did today tells me that my teacher tells us a lot of the answers in class.

So now I’m alive, with my much too Advanced (yes with capital) computer, feeling happy that the test was so easy even if I DID have to go out and buy a $150 set of books (Death), and I DO have to do laundry (DEATH)…

But maybe tomorrow…

Live Long and Prosper

I send my Parents and siblings links to things that I find interesting or funny, or even just useful. (Such as a site that said when all of my university holidays are). I recently sent a link to a Danish Movie Trailer that would likely come out in english sometime soon, that I thought that the fam-jam would get a kick out of, even though it seems a bit like most of the humour is like kicks to the balls, stupid puns (the best kind :D), and general animated humour.

I figured, hey, I’m probably going to get a reply or two along the lines of “Hah, looks funny, don’t you love Vikings?”

I get an e-mail from my mom saying “will look at it later.  Long day .. .  had one of my DECA students commit suicide last night”

O_O

Had a bit of a flashback, of about 2 weeks ago when I received an e-mail asking what my favourite colour was. Why? Because Mom wants to know what colour flower to add to one of the bouquets for grandma’s memorial.

O_O Grandma’s dead? This is a horrible way to tell me! What the Hell?!?

Mom then tells me that no, they just want to be prepared, since Grandma wasn’t eating, and apparently one of the last staged of Alzheimer’s is to forget how to swallow. False alarm though, as she just didn’t like the food and was stuffing it in her cheeks instead of swallowing or TELLING the nurses that she didn’t like it.

I got the full story about it today over the phone, after making sure that it wasn’t a close-close student…  I know it sounds bad, but yeah, my first response was to ask if she knew him well, and THEN to say sorry to hear it.

He was 16 years old, had a 94% average last year, was part of a band, and about 2-3 hours after he left his friends after working on making some new songs, he hung himself.

Did it after school, but before his mom got home.

His mom came home to find that her son had hung himself.

I can’t imagine doing that to my parents, and am, in fact, tearing up right now at the thought.

Definitely crying. Great.

Earlier today I got a text from my sister saying how bad the traffic was, and in the same conversation with my mom I found out that some guy decided that he would make his suicide very public. He was speeding on the highway, and caused a lot of accidents, causing an unknown number of injuries and deaths. It was along the QEW. This is what I heard from my mom.

You know those concrete sound barriers on either side of the highway? He rammed through one of those, and caused the line to fall onto the highway, again injuring and possibly killing a number of drivers. When he went through it, his car landed on another car on the other side. He is currently at the hospital, facing severe head trauma.

More information HERE, HERE, and HERE.

It closed down that part of the highway, and slowed down traffic all from about 1:15ish to about 8pm.

I don’t understand the appeal of dying. Yes, the point of life is eventual death, but the point of death is to make you appreciate life so much more. And Suicide is ridiculous.

IF, and I say IF, I were to ever decide that it’s all too much, that I have no more reason to live, that I figure that my life is pointless, all of my family would have to be dead, all of my friends would have to be dead, I would have to have absolutely nothing to my name, I would have to have been beaten and raped, I would have had to be relying on a machine to live, and I would have to have experienced some kind of severe head trauma to make me lose any intelligence I have. THAT is what it would take for me to decide that it was worth it for me to kill myself.

The thought of ANYONE I know dying makes me want to cry again, and I can’t imagine how bad it would be to actually lose someone I love because they took their own life, and I don;t think I’m assuming too much to think that my family and friends would be a bit more than upset if I died.

Your life, and the life of the people around you are worth too much for Suicide to be anything but stupid.

My mom’s DECA student was 16, and there’s no way he had nearly enough teenage angst to justify doing that to his mom.

The driver (who is also 16), had no right to risk other people’s lives to off himself any more than he had the right to put his own family through his death.

My heart goes out to the families of those who died at others or their own hands, and I can honestly say that I never want to think about one of my family members committing suicide (for those who care, that just made me start crying again :|). Never ever ever never EVER.

I don’t care if you don’t like Star Trek, there’s a number of good messages in it. one particularly reaches out to me.

Stop killing already.

Live long and Prosper.

Spock: Live long and Prosper my friend… Do It.

Freshman 15? More like 50 I hear…

One of the funny things I heard about Freshman year is the Freshman 15.

Your average goes down 15%.

You gain 15 pounds.

A not-quite equal trade-off I think.

But it seems that people focus more on the 15 pounds than the marks. My sister bought me some stuff from the Lindt store , one of those large freezer Ziploc baggies with a bunch of the wonderful stuff. She warned me as she handed over the clear bag of wonder, that Freshman 15 is more like Freshman 50, and I should be careful.

I am generally careful, and most of the bag is still sitting beside me.

Waiting.

Tempting.

In general, I worry about my health, but it’s mainly the idea of whether or not I’m getting enough iron, enough of whatever vitamins I need, and in general if I’m healthy. I have a high metabolism, and playing hockey ups that as well. I eat a lot of meat (Im the carnivore of the family), and I worry about if I’m eating enough greens, if I perhaps should have had another apple, and If I should perhaps take one of those Vitamin C pills–just in case.

I don’t actually worry much about my weight. I once tried keeping track of my weight, but it depends on what I do over the summer that shows what me normal weight is. Hockey season it’s pretty constant (NO, I’m not going to say what it is), and it’s only been the past two summers while I’ve been working that my weight stays about the same. Muscle adds weight. I like muscle, even if it makes the sleeves on some of my shirts tight as they were after this past summers experience.

But it seems as though the rest of the female population in my year focus a lot more on the number than what the weight is from. It’s just AMAZING how much people focus on their weight. Yes you should be a healthy weight for your size, but everywhere I look as I head to my classes I’m seeing the uuber skinny legs and the jutting collar bones of people who just Don’t Eat.

I kind of wish that the mentality was a bit more like in the olden days, where if a woman had wide hips and some meat on her she was a much more desirable wife/person/whatever than the petit, breakable looking girls.

I would much rather hear about how worried one of my friends is about keeping her scholarship up (NOOOO! DO NOT LOSE 15%!!!), even as tedious as that can be, rather than hear about how they wanted to get themselves a yogourt but had to get a salad instead–have to watch their weight after all.

EAT! I don’t want you looking over my MEAL with envy as you pick at your rabbit-food! You got a freaking meal plan because it’s required of first years, USE IT! It’s TAX FREE for students!

WHAT can I say to make you realize that weight is good for you?

It’s okay to be ‘FAT’. Overweight is bad, but you won’t get overweight by eating a HEALTHY amount of food!

Losing weight makes your boobs smaller.

Gymnasts sometimes have trouble getting pregnant because they’re too skinny and their body wouldn’t be able to support the baby.

Sometimes during a hockey season I would get too skinny, and (guys skip ahead) I would skip my period for a while. Yay for losing it, but as soon as I got it again I GOT HORRIBLE CRAMPS! A blender in my stomach was set to PUREE and then bleach was poured over it!

The Boney look will NEVER be in style.

If I can count your ribs without you sucking in a breath, you look like a skeleton, not a model. (Yes, that was a bit harsh)

Modelling in Europe changed so that if you were below what was a healthy body weight for your height, you were fired from the agency. Many agencies lost more than half of their models.

All I’m trying to say is that not being a stick is more than okay.

Also, there’s only so many times that you can reassure someone that they’re not fat before you turn around ad call them pudgy to spite.

Don’t be that person.

A HEALTHY weight is a SEXY weight.

Classes Smashes (my social life)

Classes are another part of the everyday life of a student, minus the weekends 😀

I am one of the lucky few who has an additional day off, and even have it on a Tuesday. Yay for that, though i’s mainly an excuse for me to hang out in my room and hold off reviewing…

Fellow procrastinators, can I get a WOOT WOOT!?

Maybe later? oh, okay. 😀

Well, mainly this blog will be about what my schedule will be like this semester… as well as some things I’m noticing about those classes.

Monday:

  •  English Essay Writing = 2:30pm – 3:30pm
  •  Art History  = 7:00pm – 10:00pm

Tuesday is OFF

Wednesday:

  •  Critical Thinking  = 4:00pm – 5:00pm

Thursday:

  •  Painting  = 8:30am – Noon
  •  English Essay Writing = 4:00pm – 5:00pm

Friday:

  •  Film Studies  = 8:30am – Noon
  •  Critical Thinking  = 2:30pm – 3:30pm

My residence is at the top, and the general layout is >>HERE<< as well as below. Most classes are close, but one or two are closer to the bottom of the map 😐

Here is my campus... I know about 50% of it, and the rest of it, in the day, I can figure my way back to the areas I know... Great, during the day 😀

Distance to classes isn’t bad at all, and the two classes that I have at 8:30 are pretty much across the street, but on Mondays, at 7… oh boy.

Site is an engineering building primarily. It’s funky and stylin on the inside, and have a cool set up in all of the rooms.

It is also on the other side of the campus from my room.

It gets dark earlier when winter nears, as many of you should know, and when I get out at 10pm, it’s dark, and kind of sketchy looking, and I don’t generally walk around that area of campus since it’s so out-of-the-way for me, so anything that WOULD look recognizable, isn’t.

I didn’t get back to my room until 10:30 last Monday because I got a bit lost…

In Toronto, directions are easy, since it’s pretty much accepted that The Lake is South, so it’s easy to orient yourself… and if you’re down town, the streets are pretty easy to navigate, and there are maps posted every couple of streets.

There are no such landmarks in Ottawa, as far as I can tell.

Yes, there’s the campus maps, but they do me no good if I can’t FIND them.

Ugh, I wish I weren’t directionally challenged… I’m glad my phone has Google maps on it.

As for the times of everything, the closer friends I’ve made here seem to have a lot of classes starting when mine finish… it sucks. I hang out with them mostly after 4-6ish, until we look at the clock and realize that ___ has a class at 8:30 and it’s getting late. I still get to hang out, but I get bored in between classes.

Perhaps I should blog during my free time…

Anyway, here’s what my courses are like:

Critical Thinking:

So far we’re mainly looking at what makes up an argument (not a quarrel, more like in debates… something that it either true or false, and can be proven so), and kind of makes me think of english class… Though the teacher reminds me of one of my friends, so in some discussions, I really can’t take him seriously… He also seems to have something against Katy Perry… most examples of what is or isn’t an argument  goes along the lines of “I don’t like Katy Perry, she sings like a fog horn.” Wow, almost wrote ‘sins’ instead of ‘sings’… I don’t eve have autocorrect to blame 😀

English Essay Writing:

A required course of all 1st years, this is VERY like english class… The teacher even reminds me of my AP English teacher for grade 12, since he keeps on bringing up the fact that we should avoid ‘fluff’ in our essays…

Fluff, for those who don’t know, is the bits of your essay that doesn’t actually give any weight to your argument, and sometimes takes away from your point.

Critical Thinking seems to be the complimenting course for this, since while this class teaches you the best way to write your essay, Critical thinking tells you the best way to frame your point, or thesis, or argument (whatever you want to call it). Hopefully this will help in the long run, and neither teacher will give a rule of thumb that directly clashes with what the other teacher says.

Interesting fact:

The ‘Rule of thumb’ came up because a long, long time ago, there was a law set in place that a man couldn’t beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb… This was to prevent a man from causing too much damage to his wife, and also to bring the death counts down… Fun times there. Gotta love those obscure laws…

Art History:

Kind of boring, a lot of it is watching her put up slides, and I have to go buy a stack of books for it… She kind of reminds me of one of my high school arts teachers, but hopefully she won’t be as flakey…

All the quizzes are to be taken online, open book, all the assignments are to be handed in over the virtual campus online, and even though she’s said that all of the things that we’re going to be doing is online already (i.e. the readings for each class), if we miss 3 classes, we may not be allowed to sit the exam. Same goes for my two practical art classes, but I guess that makes sense since I am taking Fine Arts as my major. I would have gone anyway, but saying the limit is 3 classes… well frig.

Painting:

The teacher oftentimes forgets words, or parts of what she was going to say, so there are a lot of pauses where she says ‘um’ and gently waves her hands in front of her as if she’s directing an orchestra, but she seems nice. The course is interesting, and though I’ve nay had 2 classes so far, the work seems like it won’t be dull…

I just need to remember to bring one of my beer t-shirts and a pair of my man-jeans next class. (Beer T-shirt: you remember when they gave out shirts in every case of beer? Yeah, my parents gave me a lot of those. Man-jeans? They are too big for me, and used to belong to my neighbours brother. Man. Jeans. But comfortable)… as well as a Tupperware container.

TIP for PAINTERS: if you use a Tupperware container to ix your colours in, it means that if yo make too much of one colour, you don’t have to waste it, you can seal the container and use it again next class. Dried paint peels off easily to clean it, and if there’s anything stuck that you wasn’t gone, dunk it in hot water and it’ll come off.

Film Studies:

Pretty much movie class… we get film reels and we have to cut and paste bits and pieces of what we’ve got together to make a movie, and then we have to put it onto the computer and edit all the blah bits out of it… 24 slides is 1 second. 1 slide is about as long as your pinky is wide, and bout as tall as your pinky nail is. Thankfully we don’ have to do cartoons or anything like that (we are, in fact, banned from using cartoons in it).

Very fun, very new and covered in INTERESTING NEWNESS. Will have me 2nd class in it tomorrow 😀

NOTE: PRACTICAL ART CLASSES ARE EXPENSIVE! HAVE SPENT MORE THAN $100 ON PAINTING SUPPLIES ALONE! BE WARNED, FINE ARTS STUDENTS, BE WARNED…

And those are my classes for this semester… and my general thoughts about them…

My sane and optimistic side is saying that I’ll still have a good opinion at midterms, but my insane and otherwise fairly insightful side is saying that I WILL WANT TO DROP OUT, WILL FEEL LIKE CRYING, AND WILL BE CURSING MY SO-FAR NICE TEACHERS TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL!

We shall see, won’t we?